Superjack ain't got shit on a white knight like me. I bench <insert a number of kilograms that is at least triple your body weight here> six times a day.
Anyway, I'm going to use my critical thinking skills to call you out on the first few paragraphs - clearly that quote from Abe Lincoln is wrong because in his time the word 'trust-worthy' was hyphenated like so.
I genuinely wish this was real.