Blog {Damus Graves}

[Damus_Graves]

A couple of people have asked me to post my blog here... I gave in.

Early on i figured out that I never really was gonna have a friend in El Paso. Either I was gonna get used for grades, or get beat up for 'being a freak.' Nothing had ever seemed to go my way, either everyone left me alone or I was a target for bigger kids to pick on. It didn't help that my mom was bringing home (ha 'home'...) a different, sexually and physically abusive, man almost every other week. I learned somewhat quickly to appease in whatever way I could to avoid their, both the men and the kids, attentions.

It was a saving grace for me to move to San Antonio and 'start over anew.' But apparently you can't outrun your past because sure enough, on the first week of middle school I was dumped into a locker and my things were in the trash. Mom had another boyfriend who, for some reason, almost always had an angry look on his near constantly purple face. At least the house was nice...
So, there I was in a new city ready to take on the world and prove I was someone worth knowing. I joked, I passed notes, I even laughed at people that I shouldn't have laughed at, all for recognition and friends that were never my friend in the first place. I pretended at school and came home to lock myself in my room and read books.

My family never really ever saw me around much and I was failing almost every class I was taking. I acted out and I got in fights for dumb reasons. My temper and my desire to fit in isolated me more often than I would have liked it to. I was seen as a desperate kid and people, once again, took advantage of it for their benefit. It actually wasn't until high school that I ever really found a place to fit in, and found the one person that changed my life forever. I was a freshman in high school, alone and nervous about making a good impression upon my classmates. I resolved to not be that loner and integrate myself into high school society.

My very first class in high school was Choir class. I walked in five minutes late, due to not knowing where it was, and the teacher looked right at me for a moment and said, "Why, hello there. As I just informing your classmates every minute your late you have to do a pushup. If you are not wearing your ID five pushups. If I catch you chewing gum its five pushups. Mr....Capps, you owe me fifteen pushups. Get to it."

And then he went on teaching. The first thing i noticed was the lack of laughter and sneering smiles. No one was making fun of me and they were just moving on with the class. It was fantastic and confusing to me and I just didn't know what to make of it. Choir became my haven and singing escalated to being an escape. This was where I met Harakazu for the first time. I let loose and enjoyed myself and he stared at me for a while finally saying, "Fuck your annoying." Even though he said that I wasn't disheartened and I just proceeded to vocally abuse him right back. We hit it off and became fast friends.


My other classes were not as interesting, but thankfully I was still largely left alone. I took this time to watch the other students and try and figure out what they were thinking. It was fairly difficult but I got the hang of it for the most part. After most of the classes had ended I met a girl that I should have avoided at all costs. She was controlling, manipulative and condescending in tall order. I fell prey to her attentions and because it, wound up spending a lot more time smoking then I ever wanted to do. She pushed my to start trying out pills and creating cocktails of prescription pills that wound up making me loopy and half blind.


After a while she started introducing me to the softer side of girls (Yes haha the 14 year old who had never been kissed before. Spare me.) and made out with me any chance she got. Each and every time I got intoxicated off her taste and deeper into trouble. I didn't notice it, but she had been subliminally altering my point of view and making me start blaming myself for everything that had ever happened to me. After I got addicted to her tongue down my throat she proceeded to dry hump just about every guy that took the time to notice her knowing full well I was aware of what was going on. The smoking got harder and the pills I was abusing started getting downed at an increased rate. But, above all this I introduced Harakazu to the use of drugs...Something that I am still ashamed of to this day.


I was starting to become numb and when I couldn't feel the affects of pills anymore, she introduced me to knives. She would occasionally entertain herself with playing her knives along my skin. (I still have scars on my body from the amount of times I gave into wanting to feel the rush of pain and the sight of blood. Soon even that stopped working and I escalated to burns.) After a while of this game she started becoming angry and violet. She yelled that I was cheating on her and that she should kick me out of her house for being a useless cheat. Even though I would always proclaim that I never cheated, she never believed me. Three days before her father sent her away she asked me to lay down and close my eyes. Being, what I had thought was, love I did what she asked. The last thing I remember of that day was a small blade piercing my chest and screaming from multiple voiced. I


My sophomore year came into my life and with it a mask to hide the pain of the abuse I was instilling on my body. I played the fool and acted like a clown to make sure that no one knew what I was going through. I had limited my conversations with Harakazu and I started flirting with girls. I dated here and there but none of them lasted long. I was spiraling down into an abyss fast and came close to committing an irreversible act that would have broken my family and scorned Harakazu friendship with me. Things were not going in my favor and the day I set my sights on doing it I met the woman that I am still with today. She was writing in her journal while the breeze fluttered her hair over her eyes. The light just seemed to shine from her and I couldn't hear anything from that point on until I rammed headfirst into a pillar, falling flat on my ass. (Thankfully, she never noticed!)


I spent the better part of that year trying to work up the nerve to talk to this mysterious beauty, but to no avail as I always seemed to falter before I could say anything at all. Soon I gave up hope and went out with her best friend, at the time, because I heard that she might like me. This too, turned out to be a mistake because she wound up constantly badmouthing me to her friends behind my back. When Ashley told me about this she confessed that she had always liked me and that marked the beginning of our relationship. (I confronted the previous girl about it and her reaction proved Ashley right. There was a lot of cussing and accusations of cheating.)

[Sub Note=9] There was a kid that used to swing by my aunt's house a lot and would try and bully me. More often than not I would try and hide behind adults or leave the house altogether. The last time I was there he came around and there were no adults to hide behind and no one was really allowed to leave. So the usual punching and kicking went about and while I endured it for the time being I noticed the lock-able closet left open in the hallway.

This guy was a little large but terrified of the dark due to his sister constantly scaring the piss out of him in the twilight hours of the night. He used to sleep with two nightlights. His sister was a gossip

So I bolted and ran through the house eventually leading the kid to the closet. Since he was larger than I he wound up stuck and I slipped out, shut, and locked the closet door. I left and came back in 3-4 hours to find the kid curled in a ball sobbing incoherently.[/SubNote]

[Subnote=13] I met a kid who's dad was rather abusive, in both physical and sexual ways, he reminded me of my own past and I resolved to help him no matter what. I had first introduced myself to him by sharing some of my story so that he wouldn't think I was some creep preying on kids. (Boy was 10). I told him to hold on and that I would do what I could to help him get through this, or put a stop to what his dad was doing. I spent a lot of time with the kid, his name was Johnathon, and kept staying around whenever his dad was drunk and pissed. John was an amazing drawer and I encouraged him to enter his drawing into competitions and take pride in them. John was really shy though, and we wound up making an alias for him to use for these drawings. Eventually John started standing up for himself and defending himself whenever he was getting bullied, I helped him as I could.

Yet, he still took the abuse from his dad without a single complaint. On Aug 14th, John came to me with a large cut on his back that looked like it was from a metal belt and I specifically told him we had to report it to the police. John was adamantly against the idea and kept trying to convince me to drop the idea and leave it alone, that he was fine and it would heal in time. I stubbornly stood my ground saying it had gone far enough and that he had to be stopped before anything worse happened to him, John. John's father drove up, picked John up and left before we could get to the station. Two weeks went by and I heard nothing from John, and I was turned away every time I tried to visit his house. When I broke into John's house to look for him, I found him chained to his bed with multiple bruises and scabbed over scars along his, clearly, malnourished body. When I finally got him to the hospital the doctors told me there was nothing they could do but make him as comfortable as possible until the end. He died in the hospital bed not long after..[/SubNote]

[SubNote=5th Grade] I met two kindred spirits here. A guy named Roman and a girl we called "Bugs." They both were outcasts like I and we clicked fast. Soon it we became inseparable and spent a lot of our time imagining ourselves as hero's in certain films and literature. We spent the majority of 5th grade on a high. We spent nights at each others houses and shared many secrets within one another's confidence. We opened up to each other and become even closer as a result. There was literally not a single place that one of us was found without the other present. Going into Christmas Break Roman and I were playing in one of the local parks on the swings. As I was swinging upwards I get launched out of the seat into the metal merry-go-round where I collided headfirst with the bars there. Dizzily I stumbles back and forth, unable to make out any shape nor keep my lunch within my stomach. All I can hear is the repeated apologies of Roman, saying that he was a condition and it's not his fault. Being the kind soul I am, I easily forgave him and we went back to school still good friends. But, it would seem that Roman had a thing for abuse as upon the final days of school Roman struck again, this time hitting Bugs knocking her out cold. When I confronted him I earned a couple of jabs to the head and a knee to the stomach. Roman told me never to go near him again or he'd "tear off my head" (sounds silly now but back then terrifying as Roman was really athletic.) After he left Bugs came around and smacked me as punishment for driving off her only friend. Later on I learned that Bugs and Roman were using the secrets I shared with them to earn points with the more popular kids in school.[/Subnote]

[SubNote=Oldest Memory] Terror grips tight upon the dreamer's shoulder, encircling the mind with darkness and gloom. Sweat glistens on the nerve-racked man's forehead, ever moving eyes foretell the horrors remembered during the night. Rusty stains on the cheek symbolize a disastrous reminiscence. Unbridled grief shakes the dreamer at his core, digging up more recollections better left unremembered. Shock stills the dream, demanding an awakening. Warmth fades into vision as a melody plays ever asking the same question. All at once the nighttime trepidation dissolve back into the abyss, held off by the tranquil sound of the melody which awoke a dreamer from his nightmare slumber.

[Damus_Graves]

Why is this in Serious Discussion? What is so serious to discuss about this topic? I suggested a whole new subforum for blogs but apparently no one supported my idea.

To give mods fair range to infract trolls and flamers.

[Ash]

To give mods fair range to infract trolls and flamers.

Right, but if anything you should be infracted for not following the guidelines... There is no debatable topic here, is there?

[Damus_Graves]

Right, but if anything you should be infracted for not following the guidelines... There is no debatable topic here, is there?

I'll take it.

[Slaol]

This thread is supermod approved for being serious and about someone's life in a serious fashion that seeks to share themselves on a deep level.

[Mateo]

this sounds like my childhood; are you me?

[Burnt Eskimo]

Life is difficult for the suburban white male. I'm glad you made a friend like hukipuki, he sounds like a great friend. Do you still talk to him or anyone from high school?

[Damus_Graves]

Life is difficult for the suburban white male. I'm glad you made a friend like hukipuki, he sounds like a great friend. Do you still talk to him or anyone from high school?

I've never been a suburban male. The homes I've lived in have been apartments or duplexes that always smell like cigarette ash. I only recently have moved into a two story house, through a bit of luck and a deal.

I only had two friends throughout High School. I still talk to them both.

[Cryptonic]

Can you post some pictures of your scars pls? Scars are super cool.

[Damus_Graves]

Can you post some pictures of your scars pls? Scars are super cool.

Nope