Really weird stories, fake or otherwise, that deserve some love and a good laugh

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Originally Posted by Skwirl Discord

Today I attempted to insert a whole cantaloupe melon into my anus because the local shops had run out of apricots (I buy a lot). Using about a gallon of butter, breathing techniques and a few hours I managed to finally get it inside. However it was too uncomfortable so I tried to shit it back out. This is where things got confusing because rather than a melon sliding out half a dozen apricots did. Now there is a chance that I just blacked out upon excreting the cantaloupe and it rolled away somewhere and that I happened to have a dozen or so left over apricots lying around my rectum from earlier but I cannot for the life of me find the melon anywhere. I think I may have the power to anally turn melons into apricots. Further experimentation will be required of course (once my rectum has recovered) but if this turns out to be true then I may be able to solve world hunger.

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Originally Posted by Skwirl Discord

When I was in 3rd grade, I was obsessed with the sound that comes from slapping my dick side to side. Basically, you have to rapidly twist your torso back and forth, propelling the penis to and fro, creating that slapping effect (you have to be buck naked). I even once thought of forming a dick-slapping gang; whenever we beat up somebody, we would throw him on the ground, surround him, strip naked, and torment him with our dick slapping noises. That sound is so perfect and crisp that I also thought of using it as a means of communication. Please don’t make fun of me for this because I was young and it was a long time ago. Thank

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Originally Posted by Skwirl Discord

Garfield leans towards Jon. Where's my lasagna, Jon Garfield whispers seductively into Jon's ear. Garfield, I can't afford lasagna. Jon lets out with a shiver. Well you're gonna have to give me something. Garfield utters into Jon's virgin ears. That would be a night to remember. Jon wakes up, chained to his bed. He lets out a cry for help. Help me! Someone! Jon screams out into the V O I D. Jon soon realized it was futile, and closed his eyes for a while. When he opened them, he saw Garfield at his feet. Jon, where's my FUCKING lasagna? Garfield lashed out. Jon was now bare ass naked. He didn't know how, but Garfield somehow vored his clothes, as he was 10 times bigger than normal. I don't know! Jon cried out. The room didn't look like his room anymore, it was all black. He looked back, and Garfield had grown in size again. I'm so fucking hungry, Jon. Garfield said. I have SOME money, I can buy y- Jon was interrupted by the subtle crunch of the bedframe, Garfield had eaten that, too. He had eaten everything except Jon and his bed. I was so hungry, Jon, I ate everything. Garfield's voice was getting deeper as he crunched into the bed, box springs getting caught in his teeth, but immediately getting sucked back into the endless void of Garfield's stomach. I saved you for last, Jon. Jon realized any escape attempt wouldn't work, and he couldn't plead, so he just accepted his death. Jon heard a crunch as both of his feet were bitten off by Garfield. A dark orgasm of pain writhed through his body. He cried out, but it was futile. The rest of his legs were already gone. His torso was next, Garfield enjoying all of it. Blood surged out of the wounds, into Garfield's mouth, staining his fur a dark crimson. He couldn't scream anymore. Jon's eyes rolled back into his head, as the cold grasp of death seduced him into oblivion.

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Originally Posted by Skwirl Discord

Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. What the devil? As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, Tally ho lads the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.

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Post your weirdest, creepiest, strangest and most disgusting/bewildering stories in this thread. But only if they deserve a good laugh.

Pretty sure I saw all of these over on Reddit before

what kind of person laughs at this

delete that discord please