Dear Community,
I would like to say thank you for allowing me to be apart of you for the time that I was.
@Lysergic : thank you for believing in me and pushing me to join staff. I am sorry for letting you down ultimately.
@DarknessB : thank you for all of the chats we had and for the friendship we shared, even though it ended poorly. I apologize for that.
@MattZed thank you for the advice and the always understanding ear.
@Arrow : Thank you for continuing to have a relationship with me, although you owe me nothing. I was not fair to you, and I regret that ultimately.
@Mesk514 : I don't know how we became friends but we did and I am better for it.
@AIVION : I miss you and will always.
And thank you to everyone I played forum mafia with and had good times, and bad times with. This experience has been interesting to say the least and it was fun to experience the highs and lows with each and every one of you. @Veri I'm sorry for mislynching you.
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Now on to the body of this thread. I have decided to leave the community. I thought coming back and getting more involved after leaving staff would be fun. I did enjoy my forum mafia games, however, I allowed other things to bring out the worst parts of my personality. We'll call these the "duckiest" parts of me. It is 100% my fault for these sides of my personality coming out and no situation in the world should ever give me the excuse to go "there." I have been an asshole to people on here, and I told myself many years ago, I would not be that person. But there's just a broken part of me that still needs healing, and being in an environment where I feel free to release my toxicity does not help. So I will take steps to manage that, and I think leaving this community will be part of that process.
I never wanted to become the person I am in this community or how I am being portrayed, and I own that. It is my fault, no doubt about that. So, in the effort to be do better, and to be better. And to allocate my time to achieving my goals, effective immediately (give or take two days to say personal goodbyes) I will be out of your hair forever.
To everyone I've offended, insulted, or wronged in any way, shape, or form. This is my humblest apologies to you all. I regret that I allowed myself to get to this point, and I regret that to which the amount of venom I spewed. My words will never do enough to convey the the sincerity of my apology, but please know that I am a human who feels badly about the things he's said and the people he's hurt.
This decision is not because of any one person or situation. I had planned to leave in January, and hence why I was back to back fming. I have goals I want to achieve, and a vision for my life i'd like to reach. And this has become a major distraction. The decision to speed it up comes from two personal losses. One a childhood friend passed away a few days before thanksgiving, and I just found out yesterday that a former student of mine took his own life back in October. These deaths reminded me that life is way too short to waste time doing anything that doesn't ultimately serve you.
This most recent FM, I was anxious to put it behind me so I could move on. I apologize to everyone in that game and afterward that I was shitty to. My student's death is impacting me in ways I have yet to understand. I do not tell you these things to illicit any sort of sympathy, but to only give you an insight into why I am making this decision here and now.
Mattzed told me on skype, about something completely different to "take a step back." And I thought how fitting the universe would give me that message now. So I am going to take a step back, and lean into RL and my new boyfriend and the many joys I have in life. I will go forward and be my best self, and not sink to my worst self.
So in closing. Thank you for allowing me to be a member of this community. I will miss every single one of you. I wish you all a very joyous Holiday Season and a very happy and fulfilling New Year.
Take care,
-PTB
tl;dr: goodbye and good luck ptb is leaving.
